I don’t like the person I become when I like someone. I don’t know if it’s a personality issue that can’t be altered or if it’s just a lot of emotional and psychological baggage that makes me behave a certain way every time I find someone new. It’s not that I’m not aware of it, I am, but the behaviour is compulsive if anything.
- I think I message too much without giving the person a chance to feel to message me on their own. I’m always the good morning / have a good day/ how was your day/ hope you have a goodnight person
- I always worry about what they’ve heard about me from other people and if it was all bad… so much so that if I don’t hear from them for a while I assume they just don’t want to talk to me again
- I assume the worst about everything in that I feel if they are showing interest/ kindness in anything but sex then it’s probably a trick to see if I’m gullible enough to fall for them so that they could leave
- I want to fix everything. Buy food if they’re hungry, help out, lend… While volunteering support should be good I know that it’s their problem and I should leave them to solve it yet I don’t
I feel I lack understanding of the grey area… Things are either black or white to me. I don’t take things slow or let things grow to something. I suffocate it so that it’s nothing and then I move on. For every new person I always say I’m going to try to do things differently but I never do.
I don’t know if it’s that I dont want it to work out subconsciously so I repeat the behaviour because I’m too used to being single, if I’m guilty of thinking of a new relationship because in some ways my boyfriend isn’t really dead to me or if I’m naturally just wired wrong.
When will I learn? Will I ever break the pattern? Why haven’t I changed?