People always say to be “open”… To good vibes, positive thoughts or just to whatever comes your way. But I don’t think I’m ready even if this theory is true.
This week I was unsure of where a situation was going with a new guy. When I realized he didn’t have intention of us being serious… I felt relief more so than being upset.
He’s attractive intelligent funny and all that… But I just had so much anxiety about if things were to go anywhere. I immediately thought his family would never like me, I’d never fit in with his friends, he’s definitely too good for me… And what should I show him of myself?
So… As usual I just gave in to showing him the aggressive-hyper-sexual-no long talking side. In a way I guess I didn’t want him to really have further interest past the physical because then it would just seem overly daunting/scary/real.
The side this new guy has seen has been the only side any man had seen since my boyfriend died. Now I don’t know if I will ever be able to let anyone in past that even if they were interested.
I wish I could be emotionless…a lot of the time I wish I could even do without physical need entirely. Then, maybe life would be so much easier and I would be truly alone and not worrying about how others see me and how I should “be”.
I think I search for men who are not available emotionally so that I know they won’t want more and also so that I hopefully wouldn’t fall for them. I’m still not open… Not yet putting out thoughts for a different experience…not allowing others to see there are other sides to me… I’m just not ready to move on.