anxiety. 

The anxiety of waiting for your addict to return is the worst. For me it’s not worrying about if he’s dead (them so don’t ever dead), it’s what state will he return in. 

Is he going to go quietly to bed? Is he going to want to kill everyone? Is he going to make noise and break things and vomit for hours? 

I’m so tired of jumping every time I hear a voice out front that sounds like him or what I think is the front gate. 

Now while my mother is cleaning up all his mess he’s happily going to sleep till tomorrow and wake up like nothing happened. While I stew for hours wanting to pick up a big stick and beat him. 

I can’t leave because I can’t leave my mother alone, she’s my best friend and probably the only person who loves me (I don’t even know why thank god for small mercies like unconditional love I suppose). She can’t leave because she doesn’t know any other life without him in it. 

But this house is getting too small for the three of us. How will we all survive here.

  

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Step work… #9. 

Even though I’m not an “addict” I still did step work with a sponsor. I reached to step 9 last year then stopped. I’ve been stuck. 

I made amends to people but I stalled on making amends TO the addict (my father). I feel like I’m not ready of it would be hypocritical because if I make amends then really it’s wiping the slate clean and I don’t know that I can do that. 

He’s still a struggling addict and I don’t think I could not get angry when he relapses. I feel I wouldn’t be in a better position even if I make amends because we are in different places. 

My sponsor and I have considered if making amends to him may fall under harming myself in a way so i might get away with not having to do it at all… I want to be at a place where I can do it one day. I just don’t know if that day will ever come. 

I’ve stalled at this step for months because of this but my sponsor wants me to start back doing steps. I feel I have to go back to step 8 and maybe reevaluate if I would be ready to make amends even if HE is not as ready as I would like. 

Sigh. It’s still a long road ahead. 

  

Selling out 

Since my boyfriend died his apartment has remained empty and his van unsold. We’ve just never been able to reach the point of renting / selling … Until now. 

His parents have put his van up for sale. It feels surreal seeing the ad posted on FB. His apartment will probably be up for rent by end of year. 

Even though it’s been close to five years since his death I just can’t imagine it… Someone else living in what was our space, carrying on a life where we should have had one. I know I can’t imagine passing his van on the road being driven by someone else… A stranger. 

I know I have gone far past what is supposed acceptable bereavement time. These physical reminders such as these should not bear such an impact now but they do. As impractical as it is I DONT want someone else driving his van or living in his place. It’s his. 

And I have nothing left of him.