God I know you’re there but I haven’t truly found you… 

I’ve always wanted a closer relationship with God. Or maybe … I’ve always wanted to be more religious. Yet I still I find that for all my life I’ve been “lost” and never felt a “closeness” with God like other people have. 

Going to church has never stuck with me and it’s not as if I feel any calling to any other religion. Yes I suppose I speak to God but it’s not an ongoing conversation of prayer every night or even every week. For any “relationship” you have to work at it but I always seem to be unable to do my part. 

I’ve always felt it hypocritical to go to church or pray when I know I haven’t been able to stick with it. I feel like it’s either I should be fully committed or nothing at all. I’m always confounded by people who easily do these things. 

I’ve always felt different. An outsider always to family and even still with “friends”. This extends to feelings about religion as well. I think I have too many flaws/ not a good enough person/ can’t be changed sufficiently to really be a proper follower? 

I know God is supposed to be benevolent and forgiving (though I probably relate to the Old Testament God more). But I still feel like there is something about ME holding me back from forging a true relationship as opposed to the present tenuous one. 

For a long time I questioned events in my life – why did I have to have a father as an addict, why did my boyfriend and so many other friends die, why am I always depressed and can’t seem to live a happy life… And maybe I blame God for these things instead of accepting them and moving past them.

I probably have to get out of my own way and stop even thinking about it in order to accomplish the type of closeness I would like with God. Or maybe I need to not put so much importance / pressure for the need for a relationship with God and just accept the way it is that I will always be just on the outside of what other people experience. 

  

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