Follow the course
Along the veiny leaves
Vibrant green, lush in its splendour –
It really sucks when your addict relapses. While you know you should have no expectations therefore no disappointment … Does anyone really have NO expectation of someone? especially when the someone is your parent..
You try to live life regardless of whether the addict has it together or not. But when they don’t have it together (co-dependent or not) you still feel helpless/ at a loss/ angry/ disappointed. It is very easy to get sucked into the chaos of an addict’s life when they are using.
When a relapse happens after a long period of time when things were “good” it’s even worse. Maybe to some degree we hope the addict was “fixed” and a relapse is a reminder that they will always be IN recovery not recoverED.
My addict relapsed yesterday. Not totally binge worthy full blown relapse, thankfully … but now I’m poised for what is the inevitability of that major relapse that I feel is just waiting to happen. Which is a thought I know I shouldn’t even put into the universe.
I’m still waiting to get to the point where I can face him having these relapses without having it throw off my own stability. A point where I have no expectations and no personal attachment when it happens.
But… One day at a time…
Today is my boyfriend’s birthday. He would have been 33. His birthdays were always a big celebration because it falls the day before a public holiday here, so even more excuse to party.
His last birthday was his 28th. Since then I’ve always had to face this day and it bothers me more than even spending my own birthday without him. It’s always just felt so empty and I never feel to do anything.
He was someone full of fun, very popular and always the life of the party. An all around nice guy. It’s always on my mind – why him. Why was he taken so soon when he was loved by so many people.
We tell ourselves good people die young as a means of trying to justify why such an unfair event happens. But really … There’s no “real” reason other than … Fate? Or… The only sure thing in life is death?
After five years it hasn’t gotten easier. I think easier is not the term. It’s still really fucking hard. But somehow I’ve changed and become more able to face days like these without feeling like I want to die (well… Most of the time).
I hope that wherever he is, and I believe it is a better place, he is still having his huge birthday fete. He deserves it.
I love you C.McC.