I have these… Stark ups and downs. For no apparent reason. I’d have a decent day but yet still just get really depressed or have an ok week then a spate of just bad days. There’s never any real “serious” cause it just happens. 

I’ve never been diagnosed… Well I’ve never attempted to get it done. Probably because I don’t want to take any more meds than I already have to. I don’t want to feel submerged/numbed/ transparent and lose the little contact I have with existence. 

I’ve organized my affairs (as best as one can). My mother gets everything. Just in the event that one day it really gets to be too much and making it through another day is just too unbearable. 

Granted, it’s not as bad as it used to be. I’m not consumed daily anymore just every other couple of days generally. So maybe that means that there is more balance somewhere and coping isn’t as hard. 

I’ve never “loved” life even when it is at it’s best. The thought of it just being one life fills me more with relief that I don’t have to repeat it, as opposed to wanting to fill every minute with moments before it ends. 

Meetings, A sponsor, Writing… Have helped but somehow I still feel like something created with a flaw. Something missing, something broken, something… Different? 

I’d like to think that one day it changes, and the darkness that seems so overwhelming will one day disappear and leave me really living life if even for a few moments and not just going through motions. 


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