Every night I am awake for hours… Thoughts churning wildly in my head. For as long as I could remember, quietness of the mind never existed for me. Be it day or night there is a constant tempest of thoughts at work.
After my boyfriend died I stopped sleeping and the roar worsened in my head. Hours go by and the unrelenting thrum in my mind continues till daylight. Even now years later, I get by on four hours a night where I wake up every hour of those four.
Given my addictive personality I fear taking anything for it ( “supposedly” non habit forming or otherwise)… So this mistrust leaves me in constant conversation? Relationship? Enmity? With my thoughts.
I’ve come to realize that the mind can conjure many fears and added worries. Most unfounded. Be it the playing out of situations that have not yet occurred, reminiscing on events of the past or just listing present instances – they all seem tinged with unnecessary unease and horror.
What is it about solitude that tends to beckon at these terrors, giving them the grand stage at night? Why is it so hard to quiet the rage of fears that threaten to weaken your hold on reality? How does one become serene enough to silence the voices enmasse in the mind?