Musings on pain in love

With an oncoming birthday and another year barely survived, I’m facing the realities of being in my thirties. No longer “young” and not old enough to put thoughts of companionship totally to rest. Will I face the rest of my birthdays alone and if so is that really so bad? 

Loving someone -a significant other- is one of those journeys there is probably no one set course / answer to with regard to getting it “right”. The world is so materialistic and superficial, are we capable of being “real” with someone? No messaging or filters or profiles to buffer the relationship but truly being open with someone and accepting … Flaws? 

Everyone is flawed and everyone has their measure of flaws they are willing to accept/ overlook in another. Looks over finances, ambition over honesty, truth over passion – it’s unlikely that anyone gets the whole ideal package and it’s more like you just settle for what’s closest to it. 

I don’t know any couple who is happily married. On the outside the facade is lovely but on the inside, every one of the relationships is a horrific roiling mass of chaos deceit and pain. Why do we do this to ourselves? Do we choose someone, anyone as time goes on because we fear being alone at the end? Do we have responsibilities children and finances that out weigh the likelihood of letting the person go? Or do we love the person whole heartedly still despite the turmoil? 

I’m not entirely pessimistic about the likelihood of true/undying love, I just feel that it’s not something everyone has the luck of truly experiencing. Does being in love mean you must experience pain? And is that pain better than being alone? 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Musings on pain in love

  1. In any relationship, whether its between friends, family, or significant others, that other person is going to let you down at some point and hurt you. It seems as if we are able to easily pick up and move forward when it involves family and friends. When it involves our husband, wife, or significant other, it seems as if the pain hurts deeper. Maybe we put them on a pedestal. This person that we chose to connect ourselves to for the rest of our life is suddenly not able to make the same mistakes as others. Suddenly, when we are in love with them, they no longer have the capability of lying, cheating, or hurting us. In relationships, lies will be told and pain will occur…its all about how much we are willing to handle. For some, the pain is not worth it and they float through life bouncing around from person to person never making permanent attachments. Others are able to endure it with the thought that one day…there will be a happily ever after.

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  2. Interesting question. I think there is a difference between love and being in love. Being “in love” is a feeling; you fall in and out of love with people, things, sitcoms, restaurants etc. We are caught up in the glow and joy and those feelings can blind us to the flaws of the thing or person we are in love with. We don’t really choose who we fall in love with.

    Love on the other hand is a decision. We choose to love a person, which includes acceptance, service, forgiveness and respect. Love is choosing to accept, serve and forgive a person even though they have hurt or disappointed you. Love is choosing to reach over the wall of silence after a heated argument to get to a resolution. This is why it is easier to forgive family and friends; we are making a choice to live that person because of their role our lives even though we are soooo out of love with them at times.

    Being in love is not enough to sustain a marriage. Being in love with someone leads to relationships where you spend time with the person and start cataloging all the things you love about them. Over time, you also notice the flaws. Giving yourself enough time with a person to determine if the balance of their pros and cons as they relate to you specifically makes them a good partner is key to making a good decision about who we will choose to love.

    Often, we choose to love people we have fallen in love with before we have taken the time to make a balanced decision. Since we don’t choose who we fall in love with and we also often don’t take the time to separate a fall from a decision to love, exposing yourself to the people you consider marriage material in the first place is super important. Just my two (hundred) cents.

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  3. I should add that this doesn’t mean you can’t be in love with the person you marry. I’m madly in love with my husband most of the time, but there are days when (either due to factors in and outside of his control) I’m not in love with him or ANYTHING for that matter. Regardless of how I am feeling that day though, I choose to love him and act in service and forgiveness.

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