I’ve been blogging for nearly a week now and I’ve only shared some of the postings with a handful of friends. I deliberated on one in particular and she was one of the last I showed a few of the posts to and she asked after reading it “who ARE you???”… And that’s a truth I don’t think anyone knows or will ever know and my ability to disguise my true self has always scared me. Sometimes I feel I am TOO good at it.
I’ve never given of myself wholly to anyone, not even closest friends. All that they see only fragments … that that particular person could deal with? Accept? Like? I suppose therefore it is fitting that one of my jobs is in theatre.
As an actress, I’m a whole other person for a few hours out of a few nights a week for months. Throughout the year I can be from 2-5 other/different people depending on how many roles / plays I do. For those few hours I don’t have to be myself – I’m not the weird one, the girl whose boyfriend died, the overly sexual one, the darkest one in the family, the childless one, the child of an addict or any of the other tag lines I feel I walk around with above my head everyday. I get to be a whole other person whose dysfunctional ways people pay to see!
Of course there will always be cracks in any facade. Days where people realize all is not as it seems. But there has never been a conscious true reveal where I have ever given the true reflection of myself it’s time in the spotlight (be it for good or bad reviews).
I don’t know if I will ever be able to share all the sides of myself to anyone on my own. This blog is probably the closest thing to truth that I’ve gotten to that’s “public”. Is anyone ever really entirely truthful about themselves to others? Do we always hold back something or things? And the day there may be whole truth… Are we strong enough to handle the rejections we may face and accept that if no one remains that your self is still good enough?