Fear

As the child of an addict, with family members all with addictions or addictive tendencies, there is always fear. Seeing someone grow progressively worse even into old age with addiction and spiraling out of control until they lose everything and refuse help, fills u with a sense of hopelessness,uselessness and emptiness.

Even more fearful is when you see these addictive tendencies in yourself. While it may not manifest itself in regular ‘drugs’, it’s there lurking – obsessive and an obsession.

I had OCD since I was a child with certain things which has admittedly gotten progressively worse. NO I don’t want any other glass but that one. NO I will not park in any other parking spot but this one.  NO I don’t like to be late to anything at anytime. I’ve always tried to control – Control things and people – to counteract the lack of control in my immediate family life.

Over aware / Hyper aware – Am I beginning to drink too much alcohol? What is ‘too’ much? Why do I randomly feel for a smoke when I DON’T smoke? why does the thought appear at the back of my mind randomly maybe I should just do drugs too ?

Responsibility. The only thing that has probably kept me from giving in. A feeling of overwhelming responsibility, knowing that much is expected of me. In my jobs… in my everyday life… to myself. Every time I feel like I am going to step off the edge of that cliff… I remind myself of my responsibilities.

But the fear is always there and that addictive side always seem to hang on like a shadow… Reminding me that I’m not truly ‘normal’ and I have to put just a bit more effort into each day to make it to the end without loosening my hold on life and giving in the demons that beckon me into a false world.

Nature 12

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