There are so many memes, posts and stylized pictures for inspirational readings. We read them, we save them, we even re-post them because in some way we want to believe those words – if you wake up thinking ‘happy’ you will BE happy – and so on. I am sure I have tonnes I could refer to through a number of apps – Pinterest, the daily quotes  I get sent to my phone each day and Instagram. So why do I still feel like I’m waiting… Waiting for all this ‘happiness’ and ‘good things in life’ to come my way…  and if it does, can I replace all the anxiety and nervousness I have with that much anticipated yet vague sense of happiness?

Of course nothing about life comes easy, I know that… But I look around and everyone ELSE seems so comfortable in the world. They seem to have found their person/calling/inner being. Yet everyday goes by, then another year and I feel like I’m still waiting to ‘know’ HOW to enjoy life. I’ve never felt that excitement to wake up every morning or to meet new people, sometimes I feel like I’m living to die and it’s all just events that take place in between.

Life is supposedly about getting out there and living it. However… I don’t like groups of more than 3 (I most likely won’t attend whatever it is if it’s more), I hate crowds/lines/traffic (which is THE world we live in), anxious even about being on time to places (I’m at work by 6:45 am and it starts at 8). I’m constantly anxious and remain sleepless every night worrying about finances (not enough), responsibilities (too many) and just overall survival…

I accomplish many things with regard to academia/work/anything else I put my mind to… So why can’t I accomplish the understanding of self? How do I STOP waiting and just… Live?


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