Anger

It will soon be 5 years since my boyfriend died. While I’m not an exceptionally religious person, I go to church every year on the anniversary of his death and I go to confession. But every year.. I stand in the line and I think of what I will tell the priest… then I sit there next to him and I say the same thing I said the year before ‘I’m angry at God’.

Even though we were together off and on for seven years, I don’t think I’m angry because I envisioned a fairy tale ending for us – I’m not even sure we would even be together even if he had lived as time changes people and situations. But, I’m angry because I feel like he is missing so much… watching our 9 nieces and nephews grow up being the main thing… life experiences – vacations/weddings/whatever else possible there could have been.

In some ways parts of my life stood still after he died. I work all the time and I’m always busy but I cut myself off from people we used to know and places we used to go. I don’t really think about the life I had before he died. It’s like that I was a different person THEN… and I’m a whole other person NOW. I miss HIM yes but I don’t miss US because I won’t allow myself to think of that time.  I’ve had ‘people’ since but I’ve never been one to connect sex/physical attraction with love necessarily.  So, I haven’t officially dated and I definitely haven’t had another relationship.

Every year that goes by I wait to see if I feel any differently. Is there going to be an epiphany? Am I going to understand why God chose to take a good man away from his family and friends? Am I going to be more accepting of my fate… or even his fate? Am I going to stop feeling so angry?…

Nature 54

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