Catharsis and road to recovery?

Finbars 2

Initially, I balked at the idea of writing/blogging/anything that meant solidifying my thoughts. I’ve always felt that once I let loose the thoughts/fears/emotions that I feel inside it would ultimately showcase weakness… and I hate weakness. Or maybe it is not so much weakness itself, as much as being PERCEIVED by others as being weak. I’ve always been… ‘not quite’… all my life… not quite the brightest, prettiest, funniest and the list goes on. Without a stellar ‘thing’ to encompass who I was, I definitely did not want to allow for the possibility of weakness as well. Yet, there is weakness and so much of it and by that I mean aspects of character that I need to work on/build/engender/find. I lack patience. It was the virtue that was clearly passed over when I was put together by some Other Being. I believe to some extent I don’t understand what love is… I am compassionate (to a point) but past that, acknowledging feelings are not a strong suit, whilst quick to anger and judgemental are probably others that also come to the forefront. Writing about all these ills as well as issues of depression, anxiety and unworthiness seemed as if it would just compound my being ‘not quite’ – good enough. I think it will take time and I am not sure if it will even work but having done many other things and not finding a change in the end result which is me as a person, I’ve decided to give in and write with the hope of some sort of recovery… Can I recover if I’ve never been that way originally? Regardless… I am going to try to find my way to some sort of serenity through this purge of pent up squall of thoughts that reverberate in my head.

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