Parallels

I have these… Stark ups and downs. For no apparent reason. I’d have a decent day but yet still just get really depressed or have an ok week then a spate of just bad days. There’s never any real “serious” cause it just happens. 

I’ve never been diagnosed… Well I’ve never attempted to get it done. Probably because I don’t want to take any more meds than I already have to. I don’t want to feel submerged/numbed/ transparent and lose the little contact I have with existence. 

I’ve organized my affairs (as best as one can). My mother gets everything. Just in the event that one day it really gets to be too much and making it through another day is just too unbearable. 

Granted, it’s not as bad as it used to be. I’m not consumed daily anymore just every other couple of days generally. So maybe that means that there is more balance somewhere and coping isn’t as hard. 

I’ve never “loved” life even when it is at it’s best. The thought of it just being one life fills me more with relief that I don’t have to repeat it, as opposed to wanting to fill every minute with moments before it ends. 

Meetings, A sponsor, Writing… Have helped but somehow I still feel like something created with a flaw. Something missing, something broken, something… Different? 

I’d like to think that one day it changes, and the darkness that seems so overwhelming will one day disappear and leave me really living life if even for a few moments and not just going through motions. 

  

Why? 

With regard to existence we have no real answers pertaining to “why”. If there is a Higher Power with the ability to “control” why does he allow the things that take place? 

Over population… War… Killing… Along with numerous other ills. Couldn’t the right quota of people just “be” here and that quota “be” happy people? Or those of us that don’t fit in could clock our card and call it a day? (Maybe the community in Logan’s Run was really on to something!) 

Why do phrases such as “life isn’t fair” or “life is a struggle” resonate more in some of us? Is there a way to really disregard … Or maybe its accept… The realities of life and feel that there is still good? Can we believe that a Higher Power has direction for us though we don’t understand it? 

When will I stop asking and trying to understand why? 

  

To the point. 

I am a very straightforward person. What you see is what you get. But, it has become clear to me that yet again I expect that because I am that way, everyone else would be too… And that’s not the case. 

Don’t get me wrong. I know I have the potential to be an exceptional liar and because of this I try as much as possible to be truthful. 

I attribute my ability to lie as somehow connected to the potential that my addictive personality has and so I try to negate it entirely. But maybe by extension I am too truthful…

People don’t say what they mean or maybe they do but it’s not clear enough to me. I just find I am always in situations where I question why didn’t he/ she just say “X”, then we wouldn’t be in this position. 

I think having no expectations will always be a stumbling block for me. While we are not all the same and there will always be room for disappointment, I feel like I am always  disappointed by people. 

It is at these times I consider true isolation / a hermit- like life. That way there wouldn’t be the possibility for poor communication because there would just be none. 

Why do we continue to “put ourselves out there” to others? Why do we rely on communication yet find it hard to communicate? Why can’t people just be straightforward and to the point? 

  

Musing… Amendment? 

Anyone who has an addict in their life knows the utter nerve wracking feeling that overcomes your being when it’s a day that your addict is supposed to get money. 

Are they going to spend it all on drugs? Not pay any bills? Owe ppl? Relying on an addict to do things that seem responsible to the average person is a trying task.

We know we should not be codependent and have our happiness be reliant upon how the addict is doing… But that’s hard. There’s always a part of you that feels just a little less stressed and just a bit happier when your addict makes it through a day without using. 

My addict binges, so on a day like today when he would have access to money there’s no guarantee he might return home for days. But this time he didn’t go anywhere. In fact he let us control his spending of money so bills were actually paid and groceries bought. (A rare occurrence). 

I would be lying if I didn’t say that this event didn’t play a part in my having a good day. A day that could be total chaos, anger and depression passed by with us all unscathed. 

While there is always tomorrow… Today was a good day. 

  

Musings… 

Today was a good day… And that is a strange and very rare event. Days might be ok… Or just “dere”… Or “meh”… But I think (knock on the proverbial wood) I can actually say today was a good day. 

The rarity of such a revelation actually stuns you. You don’t even want to think about it too much in fear that something immediately goes vastly wrong. Everyday is usually so paralyzed with anxiety, worry and mistrust that a “good” day has to be just a trick. Additionally if you get a good day, you then realize just how “bad” every other day is to you by comparison. 

I’m usually in awe of those people who have good days frequently. Not social media good days where filters and cropping create utopia… But REAL people who genuinely have good days often. 

They exist in a realm that I can only dream of but never experience fully. What secret of life do they know that I don’t? What is so different about their circumstance or mental make up that allows them such enjoyment? Why couldn’t I be one of them? 

I had all the usual obsessions of the day – what if I don’t get my parking spot, what if the teller at the bank gets me angry I should pre arrange my lines of argument, can I leave at a certain time to avoid peak traffic to do errands so I’m not entirely pissed. 

But these thoughts today were on a lower frequency than normal. They did not consume me in the usual daily whorl of dreaded experience. Why ? I’m not sure… Even this sense of ignorance should be disconcerting to me but it’s not. 

Today was just … A good day…