Anxiety chronicles 

I’ve been spending time doing a lot of work over the past two weeks since it’s the summer vacation. All the syllabi has changed by not only have the texts changed, the layout/ format and mark schemes of the exam papers have changed too. So basically… everything has to be redone. 

I spent the last two days doing about 90 pages of plans to teach 15 poems for one of the year groups that I have. Once I get started on doing something I won’t stop until it is DONE. I guess it’s also a behavioral thing… 

Over these two days I realized because I was so busy, I wasn’t anxious (well at least not till I got to bed at night). But not that I’ve finished that set and I’m in the interim period before I start getting into another section of work to do – I’m anxious but about literally nothing. 

I’m not worried about anything in particular yet I’m wide awake, can’t lie still, feeling very nervous, almost thinking of what I CAN find to worry about because I feel like there must be something that I’ve forgotten about. 

This is how my life is eveyday and I wonder if it’s different for other people and if they’re not anxious when they’re not doing anything … what does that even feel like? Is that what people say peace is supposed to feel like? 

Feeling like I failed 

I went for an interview for a different post today. It was rough. I hate interviews… just the idea of “selling” yourself to strangers…  using 45 minutes answering questions trying to somehow prove that the 13 years I’ve done my job was enough to pass this. 

The questions weren’t what I expected and I went blank on one important question… which I am still angry about because I know I KNOW the answer. I answered all the rest of the questions but I felt unsure… or rather like they were asking me strange questions to try to trick me. 

People say just take it for the experience if nothing comes out of it and try again another time… but I really don’t want to do that again. 

There’s too much anxiety. I don’t think people understand how much regular everyday events cause me anxiety. For years I would have sleepless nights before having to pay a bill or take my car to service… I stay up thinking about every possible scenario good/ bad that could happen and that’s for mundane things.  So to prepare for something like needless to say, I’ve been anxious since I got the call last week Friday and barely slept at all last night before I went. I was dressed like two hours before I had to be there and it was literally just five minutes away from my house. 

While the anxiety has gotten slightly better for certain things where it’s like after a decade I’m pretty certain ok this is how “this” goes… this is not something I would probably repeat. I don’t know that the end result is worth all of the stress I go through before and during the event. 

I’m pretty sure I failed it but I think it’s more the issue that I know I can do what the post/ position asks for but I probably wasn’t able to convince these three people on the panel that I know it. So… it’s been a pretty depressing day on top of the anxiety and stress of it.