Cinquain – writing woes…

The pen

Is mightier 

Than the sword, but what if

The pen no longer wants to write 

For you?…. 

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No zeal…

I haven’t had any zeal at all for anything lately. I haven’t felt to write … I didn’t do a journal for September … I didn’t start back exercising. 

Work has just been very busy and when I’m done with that and home I have no energy for anything all I want to do is go to bed. 

I can’t imagine if I had real responsibilities like a husband or a child what I would do … I probably wouldn’t do it. I just don’t have the push to do anything else than just make it through the day at work because I have to. 

My anxiety has been very bad too for more than a month. I don’t sleep and if I do I wake up at 3am with extremely bad stomach pain that doesn’t go away for a few hours… haven’t been able to eat really so I just limit to once a day proper meal so I’ve lost a fair amount of weight because of it… lots of things on my mind to worry about as well… just racing all the time. It’s been a struggle to make it to the end of each day and even more so each week right now. It feels like it’s taking FOREVER – how is it only now mid September ? I feel like I’ve been suffering back at work for ages. 

Just not seeing much positives right now. Life is just the routine with no purpose and nothing seems appealing to get me out of the space I’m in. 

Shocking developments…

I blogged a while ago about a friend of mine whose husband was ill. He died yesterday on their seventh wedding anniversary. 

I was among one of the first people she called…As soon as I saw her number calling, I knew- but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that just over seven years since I had lost my own boyfriend, that my best friend had now lost her husband. 

I should be able to help, say the right things that need to be said, give silence when t needs to be given – but I felt as helpless when she called as I had all along during his illness. I KNOW based on my own experience that there’s nothing that can be said and no way to know when is the right “time” to be silent or try to get her to take her mind off of that …. inconsolable, unfathomable, crushing grief that is so perversely gargantuan that even these words do not give it it’s due justice. It is just inconceivable that loss… and ever loss is different – my loss is still not her loss nor is it comparably to anyone else’s – so no one ever really ‘understands’. 

I did not had any children so I had the luxury of no dependents… I could just work come home go to bed and not get out til I ha to go to work again. But she has two children… too small to even fully conceive what ‘death’ is. The task of even having to explain to them that their father is dead is so… surreal. What does that phrase even mean ‘your father is dead?’. She has to pick a casket, a funeral plot, still be a mother – there are responsibilities… 

The hardest part about it all is that this is the easy part. Responsibilities keep you busy. It’s when you go home after all the ceremony is done- the funeral, the prayers… and you sit alone in the dark. The pressure of that surrounding quiet is so probably akin to if you are underwater and about to suffer a case of the bens. 

I struggled as it was hard to see people moving on with their life while I felt rooted to one spot – resentful of my inability to connect with people afterwards, jealous of others who got to live out a future I had once envisioned for myself and angry at God for carrying out an act that seemed so senseless, damaging and just wrong. 

I do not wish this for my friend. I hope the light and love of her children will encourage her to grow, I hope she can look back on her past willfully and feel a sense of joy for the contentment, I hope she will move past the grief and at some point be open to living a full life. 

However, I know we are a long way from finding the positive in this moment. But I will be there for her as much as I can be… letting her knows she’s not alone.