Behind door #1

Dealing with yourself

Means having to admit that

You might be crazy.



In the darkness beyond the tree line

I see the shadows of the potential children

I never had.

The whisper of the leaves in the wind

Are their hushed voices that never spoke…

The long gnarled trunks that stretch

Are their bodies that never uncurled…

The blowing of spores in the wind

– The promise of a future unrealized.

Shallow grave

Every night I would lie awake staring at the empty sunken earth at my side. Cold and grey it taunted my tears. During the day I would bury seeds of all kinds, shovel on moist warm dirt and furiously water the mound… then I would settle myself and wait. Time would crawl slowly by but my efforts were to no avail. With the setting sun, the earth would exhale and sink, turning a sickly shade of pale – unwilling to yield even a shadow of you. While I was left alone, every night, to wither in deafening silence.

No drive…

Since my grandfather died just over two months ago, I seem to have lost all creativity. I don’t feel to write or draw or do anything at all. When my boyfriend died years ago my love for reading died with him… What used to be an easy 100 book count a year (no exaggeration) went down to 1 book a year if so much – I’ve read nothing this year so far. It is a kind of listlessness you can’t really explain.

My life always seems very life-less as it is. It’s like being out of touch or behind a pane of glass – you can observe but not really participate. You see happy people or know that beautiful places exist but I’m never really able to engage as they do or in the things around me. Your MIND tells you what you need to do it’s not that you don’t know but you just can’t seem to physically do it.

The world at large right now is also a depressing place. The little pieces of good people try to do can’t seem to penetrate the overwhelming sense of we are heading toward a very catastrophic end. Wars, refugees, closing of borders, segregation, racism, prejudice, hate… we seem to have regressed. While social media probably helps bring these things to our doorstep more so than before, you can’t still help feeling like we went horribly wrong somewhere – put the wrong people in power, allowed the wrong values to take hold and allowed the wrong people to have a sole voice.

The only bright spot lately oddly enough has been World Cup – which is probably an odd thing to say. It’s just a football game… or is it? As a small island we have only been to the World Cup once, so the rest of the time we tend to cheer on ‘bigger teams/nations’ ferociously as if they are our own. But here you have a space where one game allows for millions of supporters – who would never have had reason to be in the same place at the same time rooting for their countries – to engage. All the woes of the world are seemingly put aside for the 90 minutes of each game and it’s all about the talent and sportsmanship and a team effort.

While I have felt very depressed lately, I can’t say I have felt remotely ‘myself’ since my grandfather’s death, World Cup has put a little bright spot into my everyday life. It is strange the things that people can sometimes connect with to get them past whatever tough situation may be going on in their lives.